Backpeddling

I'm having second thoughts.  Maybe it's because we're so close to the end of our "trying" with this method.  Or maybe I just really am bummed about it all.  It isn't so much that we've been unsuccessful after 4 attempts over 5 months, although that is a big let-down.  It has been hitting me hardcore lately that, if successful with IUI, my baby won't look like Daddy.  And I want him/her to.  I want them to look just like hubster when he was a baby.  And have his ugly Hobbit feet.  I want this so badly that I'm literally willing to say "screw it" and waste the 2 vials we have left, scrap the $96 of Femara I've already taken this month, and just jump right to IVF.  I truly think it's because we're almost at the finish line.  Funny how a few months ago it didn't matter who the baby's father would be.  Now, for some reason, it matters to me again.  I know it really won't matter if I end up getting pregnant this way and we get to experience the utter joy of holding that precious baby for the first time.  All traces of regret will be gone, all thoughts of "oh crap" will disappear as we bond over OUR new gift.  I've been basically obsessing over it for the past couple weeks but hubby says to stick it out.  That we still have two more tries.  [Insert biggest sigh of my life here]  For some reason, I'm telling myself that it won't take as many tries with IVF as it is with IUI; I know---I'm totally delusional.  I feel like I'm going crazy.  Certifiably insane.  Strap a straight jacket on me and slam me in a padded cell.  Every day it gets easier to deal with it all but at the same time, I slip deeper into some sick sort of quasi-depression.  I don't want to read.  I don't feel like playing my computer games.  I just want to sit and stare into space and just think about everything.  As if I don't do that anyway.  I know that's an oxymoron, that it's getting easier and yet I'm falling further down, but that's just the way it is. 

I don't know what I've written before so I'll just run the risk of repeating myself, but I HATE not knowing what part of the IUIs aren't working.  Is it me?  Is it the sperm?  Are they getting fertilized??  How can a person produce up to 14 follicles, 4 or 5 of which contain eggs that will release when triggered and NOT get pregnant?!  I mean seriously!  I think that's what's driving me over the edge right now--the not knowing.  At least with IVF we'd know the eggs are getting fertilized and it's just up to my young old-lady body to keep it there for 9 months! 

On another note, I've also been obsessing that I'm going to have a boy.  And not just one, TWO.  I've become really hung up on having twin boys for some reason.  Hubby and I joke that we'll name them both Travis, Jr. 

On another another note, I watched the show One Born Every Minute tonight.  I cried.  Go figure.  I cried during a show about birth.  I cried when the couple had issues with pushing and they needed a dozen nurses in there to help carefully pry the baby out because the shoulders were stuck and then she wasn't breathing well or crying at all.  I also cried when the super annoying ADD dad that I rolled my eyes at the whole episode was holding his son for the first time.  The way he was looking at him was absolutely amazing and it's something I look forward to seeing with my own husband and child.  I even cried when the lesbian moms had their twins (one white, one black) from two different donors!  So much for the absence of Clomid-induced emotions!!  I cry at the drop of a hat anyway (always have) but these meds are killer!!  

Anywho, it's a shame because I had a really charming piece all mapped out the other night as I was trying to fall asleep but I didn't want to get up to write it down.  Now...it's completely gone; I've lost all traces of the wittiness that was to be my post. 

So that concludes my randomness for the evening.  If anything else comes to mind, I'll post again.