Treading Water

I've been wanting to post this for awhile but really didn't know how to out of sensitivity to some of my followers who are going through what I'm about to talk about.  In no way am I trying to offend anyone and I hope that comes across.  This is my blog, after all, and it's about my feelings, so here goes.


Background:
I have a friend, who I've known for over 8 years who basically (putting it nicely) is a Debbie Downer.  An energy sucker.  A brain drainer.  She is a complete hypochondriac and if you had something, she had it worse... the kind of person who is only happy when she's complaining about something; she must, therefore, technically be one of THE most happy people on earth!  She has been with her now husband since high school, off and on...horribly volatile relationship full of yelling, screaming, and stress.  They were married in 2009 and immediately started on the baby-making train.  After 6 months of trying, she was freaking out because she hadn't gotten pregnant yet (to which I replied, that at the time we had been trying for 18 months with no success...but that went over her head because it wasn't about her).  She did get pregnant shortly after expressing her wishes to see a doctor because they weren't pregnant after 6 months but sadly at her first ultrasound they discovered the fetus had stopped developing at 6 weeks.  She was, of course, devastated and I was as supportive as a friend could be, given we don't see each other much anymore.  Pretty soon after the miscarriage, she conceived a second time but again the fetus stopped developing at 6 weeks.  She switched doctors and they ran some tests and were looking into why this might be happening and found out she has Celiac disease.   Since then, she's been having some abnormal bleeding so they're sort of on a hiatus from TTC.  However...


...now, her doctor wants to test her for PCOS (which maybe she does have, but she clearly doesn't have a problem getting pregnant so I doubt there's much of an issue there), do an HSG (the die test I had to check for blockages in the tubes...again, not really sure that's the issue), do a semen analysis on her husband (hello?  Anyone seeing a pattern?); they had chromosome testing done to rule that out.  So last week, I decided to ask her to lunch, even though I knew it would be stressful.  She has said before that she's so glad she has someone to talk to about what she's going through because it's nice to know she's not the only one with feelings.  She has said she thought she was the only one out there with feelings like she has...this is how it works with her.  I tell you things so you can feel sorry for me.


Anyway, had lunch with her last week and it was just as expected.  Up until now, I did not divulge what exact procedure we are trying because: a.) she has a big mouth and considering I met her where I used to work and all the people she still works with (including my MIL) know me, and b.) I guess I don't consider us that great of friends anymore to have it be any of her business.  But she asks questions that I try to answer as vaguely as possible only to have her not comprehend because I'm leaving out crucial details that aid in making sense of it all.  So I ended up telling her for simplicity sake and did my best to explain follicles and ovulation, what the medication is doing to me, and what a two-week wait is (seriously, with what little she understands about the female body and TTC I can't believe she got pregnant at all); we also talked about PCOS and I told her if they do find she has it they might put her on Metformin, etc etc.  At lunch, she sort of hinted at us being in the same situation.  This is where the shit hits the fan in my opinion.


This morning, I got a call from said friend after her doctor's appointment; she prefaced by saying that she thought of me this morning because of what the doctor talked to her about and came to the conclusion - are you ready for this? - that God meant us to be friends, that He planned it because we were going to go through the same thing.  And maybe that means we'll be pregnant at the same time and have babies together.  I replied (in a very unexcited tone) "Maybe."  She proceeded to tell me (in a disturbingly excited voice) that "it was just so bizarre" because her doctor did an ultrasound and found a cyst on her right ovary and her left looks like it might be polycystic and the doctor started talking to her about follicles and Metformin and possibly having to do insemination and "[I] had just talked about that last week and oh my gosh we're the same!!"  Does anyone else see the layers of wrongness in this??  Not to mention, why in God's name would they even talk to her about having to do an insemination if they know she can get pregnant?  It's not like that procedure increases your chances for a successful pregnancy, it just helps you get pregnant.


It isn't that I don't feel terrible for her that she has had 2 miscarriages because I can't even imagine the pain, and I'm not saying my situation is any worse than hers.  But I do think they're completely different and I think I'm justified in feeling that way.  The point is, she's not getting that they're not the same and I don't know if I can live with that anymore.  My good friend, A, helped me today because I was really struggling with what to do; I wanted to say something to her on the phone and was so close, but was afraid of blurting out angry sentiments.  A told me that if I value the friendship, I should give the courtesy of a face-to-face conversation.  I told A that this friend is likely to cause me more stress because she'll interrupt me and I won't be able to say what I want to say; so A said that it's perfectly acceptable, in that case, to email her for my own good.  To be honest, it's not like we were besties all these 8 years and I don't see her much anymore, except now to have lunch with her and be her "pregnancy struggle buddy".  So to me, if she ends up taking this the wrong way, oh well.  I tried and I had to be selfish for once and put my feelings first rather than tiptoe around someone else's.  It should've been enough of a light bulb that I was silent during certain part of our phone conversation this morning, but I think it likely skipped off the surface.  So the following is a rough draft of what I will be sending to her after my other friends, A and K, read through it and edit it:


**Dear Friend [name withheld],
I consider you a friend and have for over 8 years.  I've always been a person who considers others' feelings well before my own, which causes me to hold onto things for a long time and although I don't want to hurt your feelings, I feel I need you to know something I've been tossing back and forth for a little while because if you don't it will make what I'm going through more difficult.  Just know that it does not come out of anger, just hurt and sadness.

I'm glad that you feel you can trust me with feelings so close to your heart, and I feel awful about what you've gone through and I hope it never happens to me, and I sincerely hope they find out what is causing the miscarriages, but I need you to understand that what we're going through is completely different.  I'm not saying that I don't sympathize and that my situation is worse, because it isn't.

Although our situations are kind of similar in terms of being without the children we want so badly, they are in no way the same.  I'm not sure if you fully realize what I'm going through or feeling and that's okay; that's why I'm writing this.  On top of not being able to use my husband's sperm to have a child, which would be bad enough, I don't know if I can even get pregnant.  Every month, with every negative test I get, I'm stepping closer and closer to that possibility with the hopes that it doesn't actually become my reality.  I feel like I'm spinning my wheels, trying everything I can and it's still not working.  Just as it has been hurtful for you to be around certain people who have children, or who talk about babies because you are thinking "at least you have children", it is hurtful for me when you group me and you in the same situation because I'm thinking "at least you know you can get pregnant".

I have increasingly felt this way over the past few months, including last week when we had lunch; but today when you called me on your way home from the doctor, it was like you were excited because you thought we are the same; and it felt like you were making light of everything, even though I know you would never intentionally do so.  It has been so very stressful going through so much unknown and I really don't need more stress added to the mix.  I would like us to still be able to confide in each other because I will always be here for you; shoulder to cry on, ear to talk to, whatever you need.  But what I need from you right now is not a comparison.  Just a friend; you may not fully understand what I'm going through, I just ask that you try and that you respect our differences of situation.

Please take what time you need to let it all in.**


Sorry for the extremely long post today, but I just had so much to get off my chest and I really couldn't even write it all, if you can believe that.  Those who know this friend of mine can totally identify with what I mean.  For those of my followers who find themselves healing after miscarriage, my heart goes out to you and I sincerely hope you understand my reason for this post and that your world gets better soon.  It is not to trump you, but to stand with you and understand you as best I can.  


xoxo, Stephanie