You're joking, right?

Looks like my body is up to its' old tricks.  I went in today for my day 11 ultrasound (it's actually day 12 today, but they don't do them on Sundays), had a tech who is new to me but very nice.  She was asking quite a few questions and I noticed she printed some pictures and took a LOT of different shots.  It lasted a lot longer than usual for follicle checks so I knew something was up.  She took me in to see my nurse and that's when the shit hit the fan.  It turns out I have a tiny cyst on my left ovary (no surprise there, but they haven't been finding any during my previous ultrasounds for all this), something about a bit of fluid built up, and although I have 8 follicles on my left ovary and 12 (!) on my right, NONE of them are anywhere close to the size they should be by now.  My lining looked a little better today than with the Clomid and was sitting at over 5.5 (mm, I think), thicker than the piddly 4 the past two months.  Usually around 6 is when they don't worry about giving you progesterone.  Anyway, not a single follicle is cooperating this time around and it's clear my body prefers Clomid rather than Femara. 

The nurse asked me what I wanted to do: I could come back in later this week to check on everything again and see if anything has changed or I could just scrap the cycle and wait until next month.  Screw that!  I'm not scrapping it until I absolutely have to; if I find out on Thursday that it's a bust, so be it, but I'm not potentially wasting my $65 of Ovidrel injection unless I need to.  Clearly, my body responds to the Femara as it's supposed to in regards to producing a shit-load of follicles, but they're not maturing.  It crossed my mind that if I was totally unmedicated that my one little lonely follicle my body should produce naturally wouldn't even be close to ready either, and that's IF I produce them on my own; we've never checked on them without having been medicated.  Something just isn't working right in there.  I'm thinking I can stop wondering what the problem is and why the IUIs haven't worked yet.  Pretty sure the sperm aren't as gimpy as I'd like to pretend they are!  I'm just so disappointed right now.  I really didn't expect this to happen.  I thought switching the medication might decrease the number of follicles I developed or something but not this.  I'm tired of it all.  I really don't know how people who have been waiting for a child for 10 years deal with it, month after month, year after year of bad news and disappointment.  (Not to mention a strained bank account...)  2 1/2 years has been long enough.

I feel like my mind has checked out from the IUI Hotel; it could work within the next two tries but I doubt it.  I just want to move on to something that is more likely to produce results.  I pray that Thursday's ultrasound gives me better news; that maybe my body's just not as efficient on the Femara and everything's just slowed down a bit.

And now for a silly cartoon of mommy parts...

It's going to be a challenge to drag myself out of this "funk" to make a lovely dinner for my husband for Valentine's Day, along with one of his favorite desserts.  Snap out of it, STUPID, and stop being so selfish!!

I have an acupuncture appointment tonight and Wednesday night and I have a feeling I'll be drinking my nasty raspberry leaf tea like it's going out of style for the next few days to see if it really does have a positive impact on the uterine lining.  Kind of interesting: you drink it and assume it's working, but this time I get to see if it really does. 

The past couple weeks I've been wondering if I should learn to meditate (lol, almost typed "medicate"...that might work too!) and learn new ways of becoming "one" with myself and bringing inner peace to this insane asylum I call my body.  Sorry but exercise (in any form) does not do that for me; I'm talking more about non-Christian religious practices or ideas.  I don't know, I'm just getting desperate to find something I can do to get me out of afore-mentioned "funk".  Screw yoga (as nice as it is, I don't find it calming; I just find myself thinking "Ow, not supposed to bend that way"), forget about running to "clear my head".  Basically, watching "Eat, Pray, Love" opened my eyes to considering new things.  Okay, so maybe not taking a year off and traveling the world in search of myself, but the healing part that comes with opening new doors in your life.  Maybe I'll try a Zen garden (what the heck does combing sand really do for you, anyway?!)  I attempted to heal today after my appointment...I medicated with a triple chocolate doughnut from a well-known bakery in the town I have my appointments in.  As amazing as it was (and it was), it did nothing for my soul; deep down I knew it wouldn't but a girl can dream!

Namaste, my friends.