I haven't written in a couple days, mostly because there isn't anything to write about until next week when I go in for my follicle check. I've had day-long headaches every day since Saturday and woke up with mine today. Oh. Joy. For those of you keeping up with the "friend saga", she hasn't tried to call me or email me since last week and I have to say, I'm relieved. I just keep thinking, though, "When is the silence going to be broken by her?" because it's bound to be at some point. I freaked out a bit the other night when I was on facebook; I saw she came online and I quickly went "offline" because I was scared she was going to try to talk to me and "smooth" things over. Basically, I still don't think she totally gets it (although, I'm sure she does more now that I haven't talked to her, so she should know I'm serious); her voicemail she left on my phone says something like "...I need closure from whatever this thing is that happened between us." Really? "Thing"?? She still couldn't grasp it, could she?
I've been feeling really good about it the past few days, like shooing that toxicity away was the best decision in a long time. I've been going back and forth about whether to officially defriend her on facebook so I don't have to have that contact option and so she can't see my posts and I can't really come to a decision (help??). The nice part of me, albeit a small one, doesn't want to completely cut her out of my life forever because that would be extreme; but the logical side of me, and probably the smartest one that doesn't think with the heart, knows deep down that being rid of that type of relationship would benefit me, no matter what stage in life I find myself. I know that it will always be something with her, that it will always be about her, and that no matter what I'm going through, interacting with her will always bring unnecessary drama. In the eight years of our "friendship", I have more negative things to say about her than positive...shouldn't that say something? I know that true friends love each other, faults and all; the other day, somebody asked me..."Do you like her?"...and I really couldn't answer that. I mean I really couldn't. And even before this "thing" (lol) I don't think I could've; it's like I stay "friends" with her because I'll feel bad if I don't. Guess I'm a nicer person than I give myself credit for!
Anyway, I would just like to come to a decision about it so I can put it completely to rest; be totally rid of that stress in my life. Although, it really has been pretty stress-free, and considering what I've been through in the past 3 weeks with my body doing what it wants...I should be uber-stressed! I've moved on enough to not be fuming-mad about it anymore. I'm just more sad and filled with disbelief; not that I lost a friend (because we've been through how/why it's not really much of a loss), but that she still doesn't get it. Sadly, I know she never will and even losing me as a friend for either a long time or forever won't wake her up; she's been through that before, has pushed the friends she's used away with her craziness and she hasn't gotten that yet either. It's always somebody else's fault and never her own. Too bad, so sad.
Fetal Doppler keeping me sane
12 years ago
2 comments:
if you're debating whether or not to cut her off, you can use the method that's helped me. imagine her pregnant six months or maybe even a year from now. although that's ok and maybe you're even happy for her (and jealous secretely), imagine how you'll feel when you have to hear and see her go on and on about how she's overcome infertility and ovulatory disfunction and loss to everyone you both know and on facebook etc etc. if the thought makes you murderous with rage, cut her off now. i stopped talking to a friend of mine when she repeatedly compared trying for a baby for 8 months to my history of infertility and loss. i couldn't stand to hear her talk about overcoming her "obstacles" any longer. it made me too angry. i know the "heirarchy" of infertility is bullshit and everyone has their own struggles, but it was too much for me personally. good luck!
Thank you, Grace, that definitely puts it into perspective for me. You're right to assume I would be in a murderous rage because if that happens for her, great but I'm sure she will chalk it up to overcoming her infertility and I don't think I can deal with that. You're also right about the hierarchy but that's just the way it is and unfortunately how we deal with it is the biggest thing.
Post a Comment