Leaping

I'm trying desperately not to think about what I "did" yesterday, and it's actually working quite well.  I think it helps when the procedure goes so smoothly and I don't have much pain from it, if any at all, to remind me.  I did a lot of cleaning today (still not done with it all, but since I'm a procrastinator...there it sits!) and have just plain willed myself to pretend as if this is an off month.  We'll see how successful I am over the next couple weeks at this, but it's always good to have a goal, in my opinion---even if you end up falling short of it in the end. 

This past Wednesday, as many of you know, was Ash Wednesday.  I asked DH a few days in advance if he was going to go to church with me (fully expecting him to quickly decline, as usual) and he said he would.  Much to my surprise and pleasure, he was true to his word and accompanied me to church that evening.  I know he prays on occasion (silently to himself) because he's told me he does and I have the sneaking suspicion he's been doing a lot more over the past few months.  I've been feeling so much lately that I need to pray more about it myself.  I pray for others without a second thought but for some reason, I've always felt that praying for your own wants or needs comes across as begging after awhile and I don't do begging.  So I leave the praying for me to other people; up until now, that arrangement has suited me.  But now I feel it just isn't enough.  I feel I need to have more humility in my life and that it's not good enough to just believe in God.  I need to have real faith that what is happening to me is my path.  He of all people knows I'm not the most patient of human beings---just ask my family: when it comes to Christmas, I make people open their gifts before the holiday is even here because I just can't wait any longer!   I'm not good at waiting so why should this be any different, to want to just know what's in store for me? 

The Mass on Wednesday was a good reminder of what I ought to be; to others and to myself, but mostly to God.  I've been feeling lately that I should start going to church more regularly, not for anyone else but me.  In the past, I've felt that sometimes going to church is more about being there so others will see you there and not because you want to be there.  There's nothing more annoying than that snoopy old crab who says in a voice dripping with judgment: [True story] "Oh, I haven't seen you here in awhile..." But getting back into the "church routine" this time around is all about me and my relationship with Big Guy and Big Guy, Jr.  I need to put more effort into my end of the relationship.  Lately, as you know, I've had to evaluate other relationships in my life to determine whether or not I could deal with someone being the taker and never the giver; now that I think about it, I'm a taker, too.  I expect good things in return for---what?  Nothing.  I give nothing.  I believe but I don't have complete faith; I can't just accept the fact that some parts of my life are not in my hands because I'm too impatient to wait for it to happen.  I always intend to be a good person, but you know what they say about that road to Hell....

Yesterday, while I was "taking it easy" with my feet up in the recliner, I got around to reading a book I had borrowed from someone at the office I sub at on occasion.  It's called "Choosing to SEE" and was written by Mary Beth Chapman, the wife of Christian musician Steven Curtis Chapman.  It highlights her struggles as a young wife and mother and eventually the adoptive mother to 3 little girls from China, one of whom is lost in a heart-wrenching home accident.  Their marriage and family is deeply rooted in Christ and as I was reading it I felt slightly envious, that they know how to be and I don't (tsk, tsk...envy is a sin).  I sobbed through parts of the book; the pain their family has endured is immeasurable but the way they handled their grief is so inspiring, simply because they have FAITH.  Even for those who may believe but aren't "deeply religious", I highly recommend the book; we all can learn something from the Chapmans' admirable way of life.


"Where hope grows, miracles blossom."      ~Elna Rae