Bathroom Meltdown!!

Today, I had a good day.  Or at least it started out that way.  Aside from the stress of wondering if my order really did go through for the "swim team", it was good.  Until about 6pm when a conversation about adding on to the house and refinancing turned to talk of overtime and making sacrifices which somehow led to my random comment of "I'm sick of my lame existence"...all while making spaghetti.  This is my life, people.  One minute I'm boiling noodles, the next I'm having depressing thoughts and feelings of my life not being completely fulfilled.  I feel like something is missing---a BIG something and it's been really hard to get over this hump.  I thought I had been doing well; guess not.  I think I'll chalk it up to the Clomid...yeah, that's it.  The medication is making me loopy---I wouldn't be the first to claim that; several women I've talked to on online support forums say the same thing.  We'll just go with that theory for now.

Anyway, once I started the pity party, I didn't break it up for at least 10 minutes; after my "lame" comment, I left the spaghetti (and my husband) in the kitchen and went to go sit on the toilet (cover down, of course) to cry silently to myself.  Hoping my husband had suddenly become a mind-reader, I wished he would also leave the spaghetti and come to my party.  He did not leave said spaghetti; well, he did, but only for a moment to see where I was and then went back to it and proceeded to serve himself and sit at the table.  As for me, I was still at the party, now chastising myself for getting more upset (because, as if it were possible, I actually did get more upset after he went back to the spaghetti without so much as a "Are you okay?") because I know that he is sadly used to this behavior and yet, still has no idea how to approach me or what to do with me.  Can't say as I blame him, really.  I can't expect him to ride the rollercoaster all the time, nor can I expect him to know which response I need from him...sometimes, I yell at him for touching me, so what's a guy to do??  I understand that he feels so very helpless with our situation to begin with and even more so when I get upset about it.  Men are just plain different in every capacity. 

A good friend of mine told me I was brave and strong yesterday.  Not so much today, I'm afraid.  I guess even superwomen have their moments of weakness...[wink, wink].  And for the record, up-ending the container of mini chocolate chips into your mouth (twice) doesn't help, although you swear it will at the time. 

One step forward, at least two steps back.